“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
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*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.