wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
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My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.