Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
You Might Also Like
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom