“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Uh oh…
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything