I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.