Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
handsome & gretel
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Brother?
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Well, this certainly took a turn
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”