She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Canadian owl: Eh?
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow