I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Had a spot of bother earlier.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
me linking you to my twitter
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Godspeed, John Glenn