Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
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SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day