The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
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Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
selena gomez
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…