No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
God, I love Scotland
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.