I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty