I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.