Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.