pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
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“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Sex so good you see dead people.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me, reading some of your tweets
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok