A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
dads on road-trips be like
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”