*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
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I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.