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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Breakfast for Stoners:
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”