My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
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I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Pigeon open mic night.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.