if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I think about this a lot
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
brian had himself a morning…
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.