Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
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How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable