ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
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People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I can’t deal with men any longer
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.