I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
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ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.