Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
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“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
girls literally only want one thing..
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life