LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
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me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
*bites zombie*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Chemical wingman
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
How actors in movies eat their food