[at the general store]
me: one general please
You Might Also Like
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
the answer was staring at me all along
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬