“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
love it when they get my name right
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.