Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
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Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news