I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.