Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
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It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
*offers Batman cough drops*
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
The future is now.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably