90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Well well well…
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating