I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
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A duv-egg? In this economy?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
#titanic
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
A man of commitment.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂