I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
You Might Also Like
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.