“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
You Might Also Like
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
no their not
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*