I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
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I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.