When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
You Might Also Like
Coffee is ready.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.