Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*