My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Siri, fight Alexa.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you