“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake