Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
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I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton