Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.