whenever i wake up before my alarm
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I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.