Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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Morningbreath
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”