fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
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Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am