“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
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Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”