Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
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I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Every house has this drawer
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.