The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?