[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
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Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.