Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
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“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
when dads have a rap battle
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.