My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
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When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
we’re gonna need another temp
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.